I've been slacking a bit lately when it has came down to bad situations. I've cussed and hollered instead of prayed, skipping out on church and church activities, ignoring people (mostly the church people) probably because we haven't been in so long, not so much as praying at all lately. Not sure why. I think I just have gotten so mad at random different things, and seeing as to how the world is turning out to be, it started getting tough, or easy actually to just forget about God.
I've been a church girl my whole life. Yes, I have definitely seen my wild days (although, now they are long behind me) but I've always believed in God and trusted in Him. Especially since having the boys. I would pray every night with them, read them Bible stories, not cuss around them or even at all in general, and take them to church every Sunday. Then all of a sudden ..
No Bible stories.
Cussing like a sailor. In front of the kids or not.
No church at all, for months.
I felt my life was no different with or without God. Who was this God anyway? Why couldn't we have just came from monkeys or something? Praying didn't seem to do anything. My life seemed pretty shitty, either way.
With all that awfulness said, I can't imagine my kids not being brought up into a Christian home. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I'm not a crackhead parent and don't ever intend to be. Not because I'm pregnant either, I just don't and won't drink or smoke, it's not me. But, me not believing in God, not giving my kids someone to look up to doesn't seem right, and it's not any better not believing, than being one of those crackhead parents. Make sense?
I heard a quote tonight on the show Brothers and Sisters, yes I've heard it before, although, this time, it made me think. And I love it.
God, grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change...
Courage to change the things I can,
And Wisdom to know the difference.
I can't believe just how sorry I've been this past little while, slacking on God and all. Luckily, I know he is forgiving.
I feel like I was kind of shoved into my husbands church since we live like 15 seconds down the road from it, and it's the church he grew up in. Convenient, right? Although, of course being the evil, never satisfied woman I am (as my husband would say) I'm not completely thrilled about this church. And even though we've been going there probably 4 years now, I think I want to try out other churches. I think that's another reason why we've been taking such a long break from church. I'm just not happy there. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's okay .. it's just not me. I'm just not comfortable there. So I'm hoping hubby will understand and we can try to "relocate" soon. Because, God knows, I need it.
So, the question is: To believe or not to believe? As for me and my boys, we will be saying a prayer tonight. I guess it's better to be safe than sorry. And I'm hoping someone can soon give me more reason and answers to my many questions.
And if you want, you can say a prayer for me tonight. I totally won't mind.
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